The agonies of being a lazy blogger

11:30in the evening. Stillhalf an hour to make two posts.

Boyfriend (comes in): Lena?
Me (closing the lid of my laptop fast)
B: No!
M: What?
B: I can't believe it!
M: No idea what you're talking about.
B: YOU'RE WATCHING PORN INSTEAD OF WORKING!
M (talking fast): What? No I don't, I'm watching this video on YouTube, just wanted to show you, you know, parents telling their kids about the birds and the bees and the kids-
B: NO! You still have two osts to write!
M: Oh, yeah. I decided to only make eight. I mean, who cares?
B: No. You can do that. Just two. Don't be so lazy.
M: But the kids are so-
B: Go on. Now. (goes watching TV while I'm suffering)

Sigh.
It's hard to be lazy.

#laziness
#work
#agony
#blogger
#boyfriend

The most sorcerous place I have ever been to.

In English, I had to write a text about the best place I have ever been to, and since it has actually become pretty good, I thought you might be interested in it. So here it is:

The most sorcerous place I have ever been to is Mont St. Michel, a lofty mountain in the sea just off the French coast. Staring up at this towering abbey silhouetted against the stormy, grey sky, I remember feeling like the main protagonist in the greatest fantasy movie of all time. I cannot put my finger on it, but there is something about this mountain that makes you feel the magic in the air. I forgot about the busses full of tourists, could no longer hear the screaming toddlers. I was oblivious to the Japanese shutterbugs with their “OOOOH” and “AAAAH”. Wandering through the little streets, I decided never to go back to the other world again. Transfixed, I stood there in the back of the abbey, surrounded by whispering nuns, massive granite walls and rays of sunlight dancing on the floor and felt like I was having a religious vision around me. Awestruck by all the majesty around me, I exactly knew that this was the place I had always belonged to, the place I visited at night in my dreams when I was a little girl. Life is not worth it, I decided, until you have experienced the magic of Mont St. Michel.

And this is true!

Go there and see it!

 Seriously!

#tourism
#france
#magic
#mont st michel

The joys of totally freaking out.

You may have noticed that I have several hobbies: eating Nutella. Eating Fries. Hanging out on the couch. Whining because I feel fat (surprise, surprise!). Making jokes that lack common sense. Reading trashy booky and reading Wikipedia-articles all day (did you actually notice I wrote almost all of my posts in one day? Yep. Fucking YouTube and Hiddenlol. Not to mention Meg Cabot). But my favorite hobby isn't just a hobby. It's a way of life: Freaking out about random things.

It's not as if I was extremely choleric or bipolar (my roommate is a doctor, and he could persuade my boyfriend of the fact that I'm not mentall ill, just a crazy bitch), I just enjoy hating everything. I can turn it off and just be nice, I can control it. But shouting around just feels too sweet.

Shouting at McDonald's because they don't serve the Veggie Burger anymore.

Shouting at the cinema  because the Harry Potter-series is over.

Shouting at the nice woman from Rat auf Draht (an Austrian telephone counselling service for teenagers  that's strangely enough always busy when you're about to do something extremely stupid but never when you just want to chat) because you put your laptop on the hot stove by accident and are at the edge of a nervous breakdown because your kitchen smells of plastic and you cannot afford a new one (which happened to me yesterday).

Shouting at your classmates while arguing about the correct use of Arabic word mundu (since, for).

Shouting (and dancing) because your laptop works again, you passed the English exam and your boyfriend still loves you although you've been acting pretty mean lately (that's a positive form of freaking out)

Just try it. Seriously. Next time you feel especially bad or great about something, just start shouting around how you hate/love everybody. People get used to it, and i actually works. It's like taking a hot bath or tranquilizers, but it's a lot more cheaper. I'm serious. Just do it, and you'll get addicted to it soon. Plus, Lucy van Pelt from Charles Schulz' Peanuts does it too, and Lucy is never wrong.

#emotions
#peanuts
#themiddle
#hobby

How I once was a Lesbian for three hours.

Whenever I've been on a more or less healthy diet for a longer period, I start to find myself  extremely unlikeable. I'm getting afraid I might end up eating salad without dressing and regarding "How trans fats will certainly kill you some day" as a nice topic for casual small talk at parties. So I see it as my duty to eat the tenfold amount of Gwyneth Paltrow's daily calory intake every once in a while, so I don't run the risk of ending up as a GOOP-monster that seriously puts agave yrup into brownies (sorry, Gwyneth). Well, last monday I decided  I was in a bad need for curly fries and delicious factory farming-beef, and I found myself at McDonald's together with my class mate Thomas. We sure had a great time, and as my finger tips became fattier and fattier and people started to move to different tables so they couldn't hear me talking about this weird dream I once had with Benedict Cumberbatch, I thought that it definitely was a nice feeling to meet with people on a voluntary basis (I normally avoid social contacts) and not just because I had to see them at university.


But them something incredibly strange happened: We were talking about this and that when Thomas suddenly said "You know, the first time I saw you, I was a hundred per cent sure you were a Lesbian". "Eeeehm, cool" I said, feverishly thinking about what I was wearing at my first day at college. I realized I had been wearing Dr. Martens, a long coat made of red lace and a flower wreath. No t-shirt saying "Likes Girls" or "God bless Sasha Grey". Not even a tie. And I effing LOVE ties. What had happened?

"But...why?" I asked. "Dunno", he said, "you just looked like that". That was weird. I do like girls, but I like boys as well, so I didn't feel like there was something on my appearance that made people think like that. I leaned back to the table next to us and asked the young man there if he thought I looked like I was more into girls than into boys, and he immediately agreed with Thomas, not being able to say what exactly it was either. I somehow started to like the idea people would see me like that. I mean, I am white, catholic, and born in Austria - there is nothing truly interesting about me. Now I had the unique possibility of becoming one of these cool minorities you always see in American movies.
 People still looked a bit confused when I crashed into the lecture hall screaming "Listen up, I'm a lesbian now! WOOOOHOOOOO!". When Astrid, a good friend of mine, sat down next to me and I told her about my great new life, she said "But...I don't think you can choose to be one". When Thomas pointed out that I LOOKED like I had done this, she replied "Well, you can't see wether a person is homosexual or not. That's just not possible". And when I pointed out that the people at McDonald's had probably thought Thomas was my ex-boyfriend who had made me a lesbian in some way, she said "Gosh, that's just so wrong...in so many ways...".

And that was the moment when I realized that she was right. That was just so wrong. I couldn't just choose what I loved. Being a lesbian is not a lifestyle, it's something you're born with. You can't say you want to be this to be cooler. It's just not possible. And it's incredibly dumb to think it is.
Thank you, Astrid and Thomas, for teaching me this important lesson about life.
It felt nice to be something special, though.

#nutrition
#Gwyneth Paltrow
#GOOP
#homosexuality
#political correctness
#tolerance

The importance of being earnest while using appropriate Register

I love talking in an odd way.
When I came to junior high, the definitely worst thing about sitting in a confined space together with 25 deprived  ten-year-olds laughing about the lady's suit I was wearing (I looked a bit like Ms. Quackfaster, Scrooge McDuck's charming (but old) secretary) was their language.

Even as a child, I hated people who talked in Austrian dialect. I had this weird thing where my lacrymal duct was kind of blocked (until this day, my oculist tries to convince me that she can only clean it with a syringe - forget it, Dr. Pongratz!!!) so my eyes were tearing all the time, especially when it was cold. And every time one of the kids in school came up to me snapping "Hey, why are you bawling?" (I'm having a hard time translating Austrian dialect into English, so please have mercy) I prayed to god I would never have to speak like this.

However, just like everyone was trying to persuade me to "do something with your hair!" and straighten it "so you don't have to look like a bum anymore" everyone wanted me tospeak like the others. Some girls in my class had decided I'd be more popular if I talked like someone I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley at night.
I perfectly remember saying one of this girls "No, Lena! You're doing it wrong. It's not 'I beg your pardon?', it's 'What?!' !"
"But my older sister told me to say that", I pointed out, "she said I'd be in huge trouble if I said 'What'  and forgot to say 'Yes, please and 'No, thanks''"
"No, you're not. Trust me, it's 'What'. And you'll probably get beaten up if you speak like that. It's just 'No'. "

And this was the day when I, indeed, decided I would never speak like this. And that's what register is all about: Finding the right words for the right situation. Saying "NO" to the girl with the lip gloss from your class, saying "No, thank you" to your hyper-polite older sister and saying "Fucking hell, NO!" to your English professor who can talk about the true meaning of the word "bitch" for half an hour.
It's not that difficult. Verily I say unto you: it's a lot of fun.







(thanks, Mr. Newman, for your inspiring way of talking.)


#register
#FrankNewman
#school
#politeness
#Wat

Why there's always an excuse for watching "Love actually", Part II

So you probably remember my fabulos list of good reasons to watch Love actually last time. So let's finish this shit. (I know you want me to).
WOOHOO.

5) Naked Martin Freeman. Not sexy, but funny.Weird to see him without hair on his feet. Not to mention the hilarious scenes where he appears.

6) Emma Thompson asking her child how the audition for the nativity play went. Turns out the daughter is enthusiastic about playing "the first lobster".

7) Claudia Schiffer playing a woman who resembles Claudia Schiffer.

8) An old, fucked up pop star trying to be pedagogically valuable on TV: "Hiya kids. Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!"

9) A woman giving up the possibility of getting lucky with her incredibly hot Spanish workmate, so she has more time for her mentally ill brother. So sad.

10) The scene where Andrew Lincoln tells Keira Knightley he loves her (how could you not be in love with Keira Knightley?) and you can't decide whether that's cute or embarrassing or...just not okay.
But you still love it. Damn.

So what are you're waiting for? I know Christmas is over, but you better get your Snuggie and a jar of Nutella now and sit on the sofa. And when you get up, you'll know that Love actually is all around.

PS: 11) Rowan Atkinson.

#romance
#love actually
#list
#film
#christmas

Why there's always an excuse for watching "Love actually", Part I

So Christmas now definitely is over.  All the presents are unwrapped and eaten,worn or lost, the money your grandparents sent you is spent on junk food and beer, you're back in your own flat where your dad doesn't make lame jokes about your makeup and your mum can't moan about your ripped tights (I'm not being "rebellious", mom, I just can't afford a new pair every day!). 

But even after you have scrubbed the puke from your bathroom's wall and gotten your friends away from your sofa, there's always a way to keep that magical winter holiday-feeling inside you: No, it's not drugs (although it's not my responsibility what you do with your quitting time), it's so much cheaper: Richard Curtis' fabulous film Love actually.

For all those pitiful creatures out there who don't know this masterpiece of pop culture yet: In Love actually, twelve stories are told, every single one telling of love. There's the little boy who falls in love with the coolest girl in the whole school, the secretary who tries to seduce her boss, the prime minister who falls for the woman wo serves the tea (when Hugh Grant says "Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?" and Martine McCutcheon walks in with a shy smile, it is so damn clear that they'll be a great couple).

Here are ten reasons why sitting on the sofa and watching this greatest christmas movie of all time can never be wrong, even if it's 30 degrees out there and your butt sticks at the cushion:

1)Heike Makatsch as the slutty secretary. Probably the coolest and most beautiful German in the world. In Alles ist Liebe ("Everything's Love"), a German version of Love actually from 2014, she plays the betrayed wife. That's so ridicilous. Which man would ever be so stupid to cheat on wonderful Heike???

2)The Beach Boy's God only knows, which is played in the final scene showing hundreds of people hugging each other on Heathrow airport. Saying "God only knows what I'd be without you" is the most beautiful way to declare your love to somebody.

3) The hilarious conversations between Colin Firth and Lúcia Moniz.While he only speaks English, she only speaks Portuguese, but that doesn't prevent them from talking to each other. When he wants to thank her for helping him, she says in Portuguese she'd like to have 50% of the profit from his new book. Meanwhile he says in English he's thinking about giving her 5%.

4) When Kris Marshall, who plays a complete loser in his early twenties, desperate for sex, talks to a woman on a wedding, unselling the food. She turns out to be the cook.

#romance
#list
#love actually
#christmas
#movie
#comedy

Glittery, Grumpy Christmas Edition: David Sedaris kicks Macy's...well, you know.

What in the whole universe could be better than Santa?

Well, David Sedaris, icon of modern American satire who loves to let the world know everything about his rather depressing private life in his books, knows: Satan.

In his hilarious essay The Santaland Diaries, Sedaris describes his experiences as a "full time-elf" in Santaland, a kind of "winter-wonder land"at Macy's mall, New York.

Since dressing up as a mythical creature can be rather humiliating for a 35-year-old pot-smoker, Sedaris developed some strategies in order to keep his dignity and his mental sanity alive - once you read the story, you will never forget Sedaris realizing "Satan" is an anagram of "Santa" (and imaging dialogues like "I love Satan, mommy!" "Well, we all love Satan!") or telling deaf kids in sign language that Santa Claus suffers from an olive-sized tumor in his brain. 

Christmas sure is a wonderful time. But it can also be stressful and annoying, and then it just feels great to lean back in your seat, watch your family eating cookies and talking about Satan. Thank you so much, Mr. Sedaris.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5ty6P4G3Zg

#satire
#christmas
#santa
#literature
#DavidSedaris